And i am back after a while to my best friend here...
Today, a
corner of my heart wants to write something about the true love of my
life. I dont know how to say and what to say but i will. Whenever i
am free, I talk to myself through this blog. This blog has shown and
documented the real 'me' since 2008. It has been through me in the
ups and downs in my personal and professional life. So far, the only
constant in my life! It is here that you started liking me and
acknowleding my writing prowess. I read once that a person's
importance in your life is determined when you miss him incessently
after the person leaves. Then we want to do everything for him/her
which we were unable to do because we were tied up in the entangled
threads of life. I have been no different.
I am one of
few unlucky persons who found a lovely lady and ended up losing her.
I admit it with honesty. My mornings are cold now, nights lonely. Its
been almost a year but she changed the way i live my life now. I am
no more a slave to money, rather a friend. Its been more than 6
months since i have touched a ciggarette stick. I watch a movie once
every fortnight. I am not a crazy workaholic i once was. I do go for
outings and spend quiet time with nature. I now want to visit all the
places she visited but i will take them one by one. Recently i
visited a Tamilnadu village and a dam nearby. So quiet, simple and
sober that i was cursing myself that it would have been great had we
came together here a year back.
Boys take the
matter of love very differently than girls and it is hard to
understand and explain how. Sometimes, a sadness prevails starkly
during night while i struggle to find the reasons for my existence
and my failures. But her bubbly face flashes before me and i forget
all my pains. And this helps me to sleep. Life has been painful after
she departed but i have managed to live it with the best of my
abilities and honouring all my commitments without letting anybody
know that i am not happy somewhere. I do feel a big void everyday in
my life as i do not get to laugh on crazy acts of her, replying to
her flurry of questions some of which would make me laugh to the core
of my heart and stomach as well, listening to those sweet songs and
sipping that piping hot special tulsi tea. I tried making similar tea
many times but while i successfully made the tea, the soul of it was
missing. I would never match the love, details and care with which it
was prepared by her. I will never forgive myself for dishonouring
one such cup of tea and throwing the cup away, breaking it into
pieces. That must have broke her heart as much as i feel the pain
now. I learnt that not all mistakes are forgiveable and this one will
remain with me till my last breath.
Mathikere is
my favourite place in Bangalore now as it was there that i spent all
my good times but realized it a bit later. I do go there for coming
to peace with myself and eating good north indian food. The Tutty
fruity and Delhi paranthas are always a treat to eat, unlike the
idli-vada and sambhar i eat daily at my workplace. I am barely able
to stop myself from smiling when i see the "Pavitra wines"
label on top of the only wine shop present there knowing well that
the accompanying smile partner is missing now. However not everything
is gloomy. My weekends are not occupied now and i am free to think
about her as much as i want. And that is something no body can take
away from me – My space and My thoughts.
I do check her
blog everyday to know if she wrote something. I do stare at her
facebook wall occasionally to check how she looks now and if there
is any pic that she made public. I do check mails everyday to see if
there is any new mail for my 'Times of remember' folder. I want to
just say that despite the mistakes i did, despite the problems i
created, despite the rudeness i showed, despite the cup i broke,
despite making her spend some lonely moments, despite the time i
could not spend with her, despite the hatred she have shown for me
and despite the fact that she is not here now, i love her and would
keep loving her. She has moved on but her memories, acts, smiles,
tears and the moments are with me always guiding me to become a
better me. That she has left me does not make me sad but remembering
that she once loved me does. Thanks to her for making me understand
how it feels to know when you are actually in love madly, deeply and
sanely with someone. To quote from her words sms'ed to me a few years ago, I hope God is probably busy in writing another
best love story for me, somewhere.
