Sab kuch wahi hai, par kuch kami hai....

Valentine Day is here again. I hate it now because it brings all the lost memories. Anyhow, its difficult not to be part of a mushy office talk on such an engaging day when everybody wants to peep into your life just to know if you have any "evening" plans this very day.

However, having been to a very Sanskari trip to Rameshwaram, my mind is very calm these days except for occasional hiccups. I thoroughly enjoyed driving the car for over 2000 kms. It would figure out in the top 3 trips of my life. Hahaha. My Poor manager! Full 1 week gola! The trip became more meaningful when i saw that big smile on mom's face having ably driven so many kilometers without any fatigue and fulfilling her long pending wish. She was sooooo happy. Kabhi kabhi khushi baaki sab ke chehre dekhne se hi mil jaati hai.

But yes, this V day was the first one i spent alone. I did not even take the mandatory bike ride today. Something is missing, a vigour....

Dangal Dangal....!

Sooraj tera chadhta dhalta,
Gardish me karte hain taare ...... Dangal Dangal

The song is great and aptly produces one of the most motivational lyrics in Indian Cinema. That's all there is to it. I just wanted to reproduce the song. 

God is still busy writing the most beautiful love story for me. I hope he ends it soon because i am kind of frustrated now :D Saala, itna time lagta hai yaar tumko? Hadd hai. Charlie chaplin bana ke hi dum loge?

Sonu, i am some how gathering courage since last 26 November to call you. I really felt very very very very happy to know about your Fulbright. All our talks in DVC market just flashed by my eyes in that moment. I almost jumped on my chair at night. Although i should not be too happy, because logically it happened in your life, but somewhere i could see and think and remember that what is unfolding now is what i thought off when your were actually non-confidential about yourself. I always had more faith in you than you had in yourself. Its wonderful that you are actually doing all this !

See you till i gather some more courage to actually be able to call you. I was thinking where would i start on phone. So many things... Perhaps, there is always a first time :)

And you know, Somehow, sooner or later, it will all make sense :)

Happy New Year !

So, its that time of the year when i typically feel very happy and enthusiastic ! It would help though to sum up the last year succinctly. 

What i DID this year

• Fresh from sister's marriage, buzzing with enthusiasm and the charm of working with the topmost luxury car maker of the world, I started 2016 on a very high note.
• My new job at the new office was cool and well received. Its a good place to work apart from some of the mediocre, highly paid people who do not offer any learning opportunity. However, I am proud to work for a company which is Number 16 on Fortune Global 500 list !
• I gifted myself a new home to live. I moved very closer to office and friends. The side-effect: I get up at 7.30 am now compared to 6 am earlier. Hahaha..!
• I made two long car trips in 2016. The first one to Yercaud which was my second outing after 2014 and to Avalabetta and Lepakshi Temple. I had a nice time zooming on highway at very high speeds. Sadly no long bike trips this year😞
• Finally, i flew to Germany which was like a dream come true. I got goosebumps in the same manner as when i sat in the airplane for the very first time. Flush with lot of free corporate Euros, i shopped like hell. For the first time in my life, i shopped for two expensive ladies handbags for the ladies back home who were much charmed to receive them ! Chalo bach gaye :P The only problem remaining now: How to gift that expensive bottle of single malt to dad while avoiding mom's fury 😜 The funny part of the trip happened on the day when while listening to good music at Vapiano and talking to the charming lady at the bar, i lost track of time there and ended gulping many fine craft beer mugs! The bill was 55 euros 😝😜 I roamed the Stuttgart streets at -7 degrees and mostly during evenings after office. Good memories to cherish. 

What i LEARNT this year

• It is wrong to trouble parents for not marrying. They fall ill 😢😢
• By drinking small quantities of finely brewed craft beer, your mouth showers words of wisdom to listeners😜
• Make money your friend so that you avoid being its slave. Earn well and spend lavishly on yourself and others. Automate and save a small part for emergencies...(and again spend it later 😝😝)
• You write the best of poems when exposed to a Godly combination of late night and Scotch Whisky. 
• Phone a forgotten friend. They appreciate it.  
• Never shop at the last moment. You realize your mistake when your credit card bills run upwardly of 50 thousands 😓
• Buy random, unexpected gifts for the women in your life. They go mad over it.
• Lastly, do not pray for your old love to God. He usually does not listen 😝😝

 The Simple PLAN for 2017

• There is no plan. Life starts with and ends in a zilch. All plans fail. The only plan that remains is that of today. Today is the only day.
• When in office, Create like God, Command like a King and Work like a slave.
• When not in office, drink like a fish, eat like a pig and jog like a dog.
• Make one last attempt to the person you love with complete honesty. If it fails, then get married to the one with the best b**bs  😍😉

Ciao !

GEETANJALI

Ek kitaab hai aur ek hai insaan,
Ek itihaas hai aur ek hai vartamaan,
Nahi bhulaaya ek ko samay ne,
Aur doosri ne khud ko hi bhula diya meri zindagi me,

Ke khud ko dubaa doon sharaab me ae khuda,
Kuch koft hai jo jaati nahi seene se,
Kehne ko hai wo.. ya shayad nahi hai,
Ya shayad yaadein hai, ya meri dabi khwaahish hai...

Mile wo to ye sawaal poochna to banta hai,

Ke khush to ho na tum kuch ban jaane ke baad?
Ke khush to ho na tum apna mukaam paane ke baad?
Ke khush to ho na tum mujhe jhukaane ke baad?
Ke khush to ho na tum mere toot jaane ke baad ?

Paa liya zindagi se tumne bahut kuch,
Aur zindagi se hame bhi koi shikayat nahi, 
Tum ab bhi khwaahish to meri,
Kuch khwaahishein niklengi Zinda rehte,
Aur kuch mere marne ke baad...

Happy Friendship Day

Like most of the things in modern times, friendship too stands commercialized. However, this feeling has caught on me only recently. You have to "treat" people apparently for nothing, you have to give a fake appearance in their zabardasti ki parties, you also have to "help" them in times of their need, and all this for those who will wish you your birthday through whatsapp ! 

I am reminded of the old times, some years ago. I too had a friend. Self-less, unassuming, always in party mood, unconventionally beautiful and in love with her work whatever it was. As i find myself sitting on my beloved chair, listening to light music instrumentals and holding a peg of Vat 69 in my hands, I surely miss her today. 

And why? Because the love is gone, the friendship is gone and the fun too is gone from my life. In case she is reading this, cheers to happy friendship day. The pleasure, always, was all mine. 

Goals become clear but.....when you find the right path

Long break from blog spot indeed. I am back after almost a year ! 

Today, i was anonymously reading one of my favorite blogs written by one of the better humans i had met in life and spent quality time with.

Sometimes, the goals in life are not so clear, sometimes not at all clear! Their is no point for a batsman to score a century if he is not told how many more runs are required for his team to win. Similarly, having great talent but no clear goals is a waste of talent. 

When i met Jerry long ago, she did not have a clear goal, nor was aware about her talent. I distinctly remember she used to think studying in DU is akin to studying at Harvard. However, that was all that was to it. I remember how much Jerry hated the Bengal land (thanks to the innumerable audio tapes i recorded during our conversations which i hear in my spare time). But yes, i do realized that was because Jerry was immature at that time, not fully realizing her potential and not fully able to utilize the brand that is IIT. I hope Jerry can look back and tell if that is still the case. Talent is a waste if you do not have the correct path to use that talent. I am sure IIT is providing all the right path to her.

People who are good and nice and all is not a bad thing. In today's times, nice people are a rarity. So engrossed is my generation in their pseudo & shallow ubercool materialistic lifestyle, that you can expect nicety from only a handful. I am just happy that i played a part through which this talent found the right path and is going places right now. For an average, not so intelligent and unimpressive mortal human, this small role in Jerry's life means a world to him.

I am happy being unintelligent, unimpressive and unselfish. I can sleep peacefully without any expectations from anyone :)

There goes the smoke...

"Be the change you want to see"

Mahatma Gandhi spoke this line decades ago. I could not help but to reiterate this quote today. My pride rests in successfully resisting the advances of my friends who tried all sorts of tricks to lure me into smoking again. However, it was my steadfast resolve that broke their hopes and slowly all of them fell in line. Now, i am more of a change agent and they wish that they could have the same resolve. They want to be like me. It's not easy to leave one vice. It tested my patience daily but my promise to myself sailed my through. It also increased my respect in my own eyes because it is one of the few things i have done perfectly in life without making any major mistakes. I now relish telling everyone that i don't smoke and i convey that proudly with my head held high.

I slowly started hating smokers and now very well understand what it means to be a passive smoker. My online apologies to those unknown souls whose lives were shortened because of my erstwhile smoking habits. Some of friendships have been a little affected but smoking is not the end of the world. I made many more non smoking friends. 

Today, I complete two successful years of quitting smoking. By this way, i was able to test my will power. By this way, i tested my resolve. By this way, i kept a promise i made to myself. Nothing is impossible for sure and i am feeling very happy.

Naa Aaye ho, Naa aaoge !

This song just epitomized my love for Jerry. It is one of those soulful and rare songs which you just cannot help but feel it.

Definitely she was much energetic, and i miss Jerry's energy around me :(  But one day Jerry will realize... :)

 

Even Facebook knows it. Damn, she doesn't !

There are moments in life when we question ourselves whether we know somebody enough. Or have we ever known them enough? We start suspecting and undermine our understanding of him/her. I think this happens with everybody at some point of life! 

The internet, however, is a strange creature.  It amazes me with its sheer vastness and range. It can sometimes show some unsuspecting hidden things. 9 out of 10 times i let go of all the invites for games or apps on Facebook. Surprisingly, this October, i just opened one of such app invites and whatever unfolded later made me smile and chuckle over and over again. Swear to god, it was a sheer coincidence but one that made my day. It's depicted below.

According to Facebook, I have a secret admirer. She checks out my facebook profile covertly leaving some online trail which was caught by this app. Pata nahi kyu ye sab kaise ho jata hai uske saath :D :D From a computer virus to operating system crash to Laptop crash to Bank account mismatch and what not ! The incidences have come down as she has matured but phir bhi kabhi kabhi shock lag hi jaata hai :P

Well, she must be wondering right now as to HOW this happened ? By now, all her computer and internet skills must have crossed her mind at least once. And finally she will lift one of those hands subconsciously and some part of it would touch either her hair or her mouth. Honestly, even i don't know how this app functions but its algorithm must be super perfect to track even those who are not on my friend list. On a serious note, it would be particularly useful for girls to know who is stalking them. 

Coming back to the point, even Facebook knows she admires me. But she might feel difficult to acknowledge it. I wish someday like Facebook, she will admit and be what she is, rather than putting up the macho, wisdom-ful, out of the world personality which is taking her away from some earthly realities. Anyhow, my day was made and i am openly thankful to FB, the app and Geet.

Re Kabira Maan ja, Re Fakira yu na ja ........ Aaaja tujhko pukaare teri parchaaiyaan......
(playing in the background)

Give me more...

After 15 hours of marathon sleep to cover 2 weeks of continuous travel, i am up and extremely refreshed. I am feeling like a superman who has been just been given nuclear powers, ready to explode and bomb the world.

Life on land is as strange as the life under an ocean. Everyone knows its there but no body knows the depth of it. Sometimes we get reminded of the vulnerability of our life. No matter, how much we want to run away from it but some one or the other will rub salt on your old wounds, knowingly or unknowingly. 

In my recent tour of Bombay, one of my hall mates unknowingly rubbed lot of salt. He is 38 and i went to meet him after 4 long years. "And how is that girl who were so avidly fond of and seen roaming on scholar's avenue 2.2 ?" He asked. The smile with which i entered with in his beautiful home vanished in a jiffy.  "Hey Bhagwaan, not again....." I murmured. "Sir.... wo.......actually......the thing is", there was nothing i could say.  There was nothing i could have said. My dear friend Punyatma interrupted, "Are sir, wahi jo hota hai.... Haha... Phir kata saale ka.."  He is an experienced guy, understood quickly and we moved on to other talks.

Whosoever i met in Mumbai after those long years asked the same question and i had a tough time answering all of them. I understood that the difficult thing in life is to be made answerable for something about which you had no clue. What should i answer? I invested my time in somebody and if it did not materialize, then what do i do? I have learned my lesson. I have my key takeaways. Theek hai yaar, hota hai life me.  C'mmon....give me more. I want more salt on my wounds... to the point where i become numb.

" Wo chal pade hain zindagi me, hamse zuda hamse alag,

   Ummed hai humein, ki raaste takraenge zaroor"

Macha Diya.....!!

I wrote my last post setting the objectives for the first Quarter of FY 2014-15 and what a quarter it has been! Suffice to say, Macha diya...! So many happy, joyous, prosperous and once-in-a-lifetime things happened that i am forced to write about all of them so that i cherish them for long. 

April 14

• The first month of the quarter started with a bang. Another high performance year and consequently another bumper appraisal. Consistent potential delivered. Obviously the responsibilities will increase, but then i never shied away from them. I am happy that the financial targets i thought to achieve after the age of 30 have been achieved much before that! 

• Just after that, i went to Kerala. The place seriously has something and i am in awe of it. So beautiful is the state that i forgot all my tiredness once i reached there. I covered 2 cities and the roaming was worth it. The beaches were serene, the people helpful, the nature at its best and the only trees i could see were coconut! God's Own Country? Yes it is..! The breath taking sereneness just caught my eye and i wanted to live there for a few more days.

• Another World IP Day. Another Chief Guest but same host and same anchor! The program was a runaway hit and i am glad about the feed backs received. The IIT-IIM educated speaker nailed it and i am glad to have conversed with him. I was also awarded for leading a project from the front and demonstrating my potential. 

 May 14

• Having conquered April, i was in high spirits. My spirits hit the roof in May when i was invited for the first time in career as a lead speaker for a conference at a prominent well known college. I could not pursue Ph.D. but that has not affected my passion to impart knowledge. My first talk as a corporate speaker was super-hit. The professors, external participants, Ph.D and M.Tech students equally liked it. So much so that the 2 hours allotted to me went on to become 3 hours and i kept on speaking naturally. I had to face a flurry of questions but i enjoyed patiently answering each one of them. I earned a lot of knowledge and the confidence to face 50 year olds in life. To my surprise, i was paid handsomely for this one ! 

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•  That's not all. I went on my first bike trip of this quarter. My biker gang made a plan and we had a gala time. Sometimes it is good to forget the turns, take wrong roads, forget the GPS and maps, and just ride.... in the cool breeze that is abundant in South India. We took a wrong turn and the scenary that ensued was so serene that no body wanted to check where we were! 250 kms and all completed in 6 hours flat! The haunted sea bed that we discovered with no one in sight and the way we jumped in the water like mad souls was just too good. Sometimes, it is also best not to think anything and just jump in the water.... :)  

  

June 2014

• With so many good things and experiences already completed in so little time, it was time for another adventure. To go to the southernmost part of India....Kanyakumari! That too when monsoons just started. I swear to God that i have not seen such mad clouds, so many wind mills and so many natural things in one go. The feeling that i was at the southernmost point of India was inexplicable. Visiting the Vivekananda Rock memorial made me more patriotic when i could not anything further except the Ocean. It was the time of my life. The subsequent temple visits bettered the experience.

After a not so good 2013, this year is proving to be great. I am happy that God has kept his good eye on me. I am indebted to thy for ever. He has tested my patience oft and on, but has always rewarded me handsomely at the end. I am sure that many more places, many more talks, many bike trips and many more professional wins are ahead of me.  With so much already done in Q1 along with managing my job, i am sure that i am ready for a more thrilling Q2.

When i will read this post after some years, i might wonder about the Q1 FY 15 and the good thrills and tasks completed in so less time. Any how its documented now!

Plan FY 15

Come April 2014 and so many things to take place starting from appraisal first. Corporates have the uncanny ability to plan their life according to the financial year and not according to calender year. Hahaha..! Failing to plan is sure shot way of planning to fail. So April FY 15 would see a grand change to apni lifestyle. 

Looking forward to my first trip to God's own country and some grand parties in April ! May is packed for a central Karnataka trip and June i am going to Kanyakumari...! God this is like a dream i cherished for long ! Yes the southern most part of India which i always dreamt of in textbooks and now it would be a realization. The motto of Q1 FY 15 would be to work hard and roam harder :P I intend to throw away my laziness which has clung on to me off-lately. Q2 is any how full of holidays and planning to test my Fazer to full throttle. Q3 would be planned later and Q4 would be to trounce work targets.

In FY 14, i had spend so much time on late night movie shows. It would be reduced to just 1 per month. I think that's adequate. FY 15 will also be marked with important changes on personal front. I am so so looking forward to it. More time to family, little less to friends and no time to foes. 

My Vaio would remain packed for most part of the year and i would try to largely avoid social media in FY15. Social media is the most unsocial way ever created to socialize. It is a modern way to waste your precious time which is invented by Mark Zuckerberg and Sergey brin. They themselves are efficient, timely and rich but want the world to see each other's idiotic photos and comments and thus to waste its precious time and stay poor! 

FY 15 would also be devoted to more effective sleep and more of exercise. Off lately, i have missed many gym sessions and i would try to be more regular. Want to see a leaner body full of infectious energy to take on this world. Jai Ho....!

Bhaag Milkha Bhaag (rock version) playing in the backdrop and adding to my enthu !

 

My Bike and me....

Wanting to just run away from this life at 100 kmph on my bike somewhere on the highways of India. The mast student-turned-corporate slave-turned-biker had this feeling through out this valentine day. Read a really beautiful line posted by one of my long forgotten friends, but worth attaching as pic. 

 

So even though i am single now, I did pray and remembered my ex-valentine with whom i share some really cherishable and good moments over the years. I wished good for her and actually felt good !  

But as the day went down and sun closed its arms, i was badly missing someone. It is usually in these situations that real men turn to their bikes, their true valentines. I did some really fast, zip-zap-zoom and defying ride at law breaking speeds. In fully kitted up riding avatar with my riding jacket, gloves, fiery helmet and shoes on, i looked no more than an alien on road. But in the end, my faithful valentine did not ditch and the evening was well spent with her. We had coffee and then started for home. There is some inexplicable thing that connect bikers with their bikes. Having lived, seen, experienced and surrounded by bikes through these years, i am in love with some of them. I really love Hyosung Aquila 250. The bike defines me. It defines my life which has been like a journey taking me from good roads, to potholes and briefly stopping by for some unconventional scenic beauties and then again...... to good roads to potholes!  

But just like real valentines, this one costs to much for my pocket as of now. Nonetheless some day, I will get the true valentine of my dreams, THE Hyosung Aquila 250. We Indians always prefer money over pleasure. Some idiot folks would say, "itne me to car aa jaati !". Somebody explain to them that "four wheels move a body, two wheels move the soul". Only a biker/bike lover can understand that. 

I really like the caption for my present bike: " The touring spirit - Because for some, one life is enough".  And that's the end. Me and my valentine..... 

The love of my life.... :)

And i am back after a while to my best friend here...

Today, a corner of my heart wants to write something about the true love of my life. I dont know how to say and what to say but i will. Whenever i am free, I talk to myself through this blog. This blog has shown and documented the real 'me' since 2008. It has been through me in the ups and downs in my personal and professional life. So far, the only constant in my life! It is here that you started liking me and acknowleding my writing prowess. I read once that a person's importance in your life is determined when you miss him incessently after the person leaves. Then we want to do everything for him/her which we were unable to do because we were tied up in the entangled threads of life. I have been no different.

I am one of few unlucky persons who found a lovely lady and ended up losing her. I admit it with honesty. My mornings are cold now, nights lonely. Its been almost a year but she changed the way i live my life now. I am no more a slave to money, rather a friend. Its been more than 6 months since i have touched a ciggarette stick. I watch a movie once every fortnight. I am not a crazy workaholic i once was. I do go for outings and spend quiet time with nature. I now want to visit all the places she visited but i will take them one by one. Recently i visited a Tamilnadu village and a dam nearby. So quiet, simple and sober that i was cursing myself that it would have been great had we came together here a year back.

Boys take the matter of love very differently than girls and it is hard to understand and explain how. Sometimes, a sadness prevails starkly during night while i struggle to find the reasons for my existence and my failures. But her bubbly face flashes before me and i forget all my pains. And this helps me to sleep. Life has been painful after she departed but i have managed to live it with the best of my abilities and honouring all my commitments without letting anybody know that i am not happy somewhere. I do feel a big void everyday in my life as i do not get to laugh on crazy acts of her, replying to her flurry of questions some of which would make me laugh to the core of my heart and stomach as well, listening to those sweet songs and sipping that piping hot special tulsi tea. I tried making similar tea many times but while i successfully made the tea, the soul of it was missing. I would never match the love, details and care with which it was prepared by her. I will never forgive myself for dishonouring one such cup of tea and throwing the cup away, breaking it into pieces. That must have broke her heart as much as i feel the pain now. I learnt that not all mistakes are forgiveable and this one will remain with me till my last breath.

Mathikere is my favourite place in Bangalore now as it was there that i spent all my good times but realized it a bit later. I do go there for coming to peace with myself and eating good north indian food. The Tutty fruity and Delhi paranthas are always a treat to eat, unlike the idli-vada and sambhar i eat daily at my workplace. I am barely able to stop myself from smiling when i see the "Pavitra wines" label on top of the only wine shop present there knowing well that the accompanying smile partner is missing now. However not everything is gloomy. My weekends are not occupied now and i am free to think about her as much as i want. And that is something no body can take away from me – My space and My thoughts.

I do check her blog everyday to know if she wrote something. I do stare at her facebook wall occasionally to check how she looks now and if there is any pic that she made public. I do check mails everyday to see if there is any new mail for my 'Times of remember' folder. I want to just say that despite the mistakes i did, despite the problems i created, despite the rudeness i showed, despite the cup i broke, despite making her spend some lonely moments, despite the time i could not spend with her, despite the hatred she have shown for me and despite the fact that she is not here now, i love her and would keep loving her. She has moved on but her memories, acts, smiles, tears and the moments are with me always guiding me to become a better me. That she has left me does not make me sad but remembering that she once loved me does. Thanks to her for making me understand how it feels to know when you are actually in love madly, deeply and sanely with someone. To quote from her words sms'ed to me a few years ago, I hope God is probably busy in writing another best love story for me, somewhere.

Music...

Jaane ye kaisi kashish hai, ek pal me gaya dil yun pass tumhare...

Toot ke girte hain jaise zameen par, aksar raaton me sitaare..

Beautiful lines and soulful music.

But then, thats me....

Reading old posts can be dangerous. They tell you that the world has changed a lot, but we are still the same. I got hold of one of my old posts, which said "Start of a new dawn".. So optimistic was me that time! But good start does not mean good end. The end is always in the hands of others. Successful marriage is (also) in the hands of the wife, successful marks in the hands of a teacher. Similarly your happiness can be in the hands of others. 

Well, my "start of a new dawn" of 2009 has come to an end in 2013. It is in dusk mode now. I have to start all over again. I hate those people (and to the core of my heart) in my life who never let me stabilize, who took (or take) advantage of my good behaviour and nature, and who now shed crocodile tears telling me that i am good guy and that they want to see me happy! As if i did not know about me. But they forget that earth is round, the universe is also round and that life is also round. What you throw comes back at you at some point of time. You meet people again someday. Life comes to a full circle atleast once in lifetime.   

I am a believer of good things. I do good and i believe that if i do good to people, good things will automatically happen to me. I am happy with who i am. But i am unhappy with how people are. Even my greatest friends (male/female) have made me feel that they are somewhere selfish. But little do they know that a hospital patient does not require CT Scan machine but a helping hand who can calm him/her down. Life thus comes to a full circle. Selfishness has to make way for inclusiveness someday. Somebody told me that its written. Maktub...! 

May be my thoughts are novel. May be i am over sensitive. May be i dont express. May be i am an altruist. May be i dont make people realize that i am sad somewhere. May be i am/was always available for them, when they are/were never available for me. But then, thats me..... And thats my talent. And my biggest achievement is that even my enemies talk to me, appreciate me. Thats a rare talent to find/hear and very tough one to achieve. 

So as Raj Kapoor sings..... Sajan re jhooth mat bolo, khuda ke pass jana hai... Na haathi hai na ghoda hai, wahan paidal hi jana hai.... Bura keeje bura hoga,, bhala keeje bhala hoga.

Or as Hoobastank sings.... "You look for all that's wrong, instead of all that is right..1 Does it feel good to you... ?"

Historical rememberance

May 1994: I was 8 years old when my mausaji died of heart attack. That time, i did not know the meaning of heart attack even. I saw my mausi crying as she was only 30 years old then. That was the first death i ever encountered in my life.

4th June 1995: Barely a year later, i was 9 and my maternal grandfather died of liver cancer and multiple organ failure. He was so close to me. He used to encourage me so much. He was the one who took me actually to studies. I used to study hard as he always promised a grand gift if i topped my class. And luckily, i used to stand among top 3 in my class year after year while in school. Still i got those gifts. Those were good days. I was really struck when nanaji left me. He used to bring jalebis for me to eat, toys to play with and comics to read (i can still read comics full night!). All that came from him. 

He used to come back from work late in night. And i draw inspiration from him. He used to go everywhere with a gunner as he was the chief cashier. Every time the gunner entered my house, i used to run inside as i was afraid of his long rifle. But he too was a nice man. Traveling around Lucknow in a car and with a gunner felt so high class those days! Nevertheless, nanaji left me. That was my first encounter with the feeling of losing a beloved person. I cried along with the whole family. Unfortunately, because i was too young, i was not taken to his funeral.  Still i could not sleep for days after his death.

13th July 1999:  13th is considered a bad date in India. I lost my elder mamaji just 4 years after i lost my nanaji. He was 29 years old that time. He died in a painful road accident. He would buy me comics and take me to roam on his Yamaha RX-100 bike. May be he is the reason why my current bike is also a Yamaha. I bought a Yamaha because of him, although every body in family dissuaded me. I liked Super Commando Dhruv just as much as he liked. That's why he never said no when i insisted on buying a super commando comics. He died on his beloved Yamaha when a truck hit him and he fell 30 feet down from the roadside in the premises of the very place where my nanaji used to work. What an irony :( Even after so many years, we don't know why he went on a road which would lead him out of Lucknow? What he was doing on that road at 1 a.m in the night, that too alone? He was supposed to come home by 11 pm that day. No body has the answers. 

17 May 2003: 4 years later, i lost my paternal grandfather. My babaji was a stern man. He screwed me up like anything but he was the one who gave me the name 'Seetu'. Ya initially that was my nick name before my parents started calling me Sachu. But babaji called me seetu always till his last days. I was not allowed to sleep after 6 am whenever i visited his home, even during summer vacation. That seemed like yucky but now i know that he was right. Thereafter, till i completed class 12th, i always got up by 5 am and used to study fresh minded. Ya those were the most hard working and pleasing days. Babaji died 15 days after he had a stroke and was paralysed. I was sufficiently old that time to understand the situation. At 1 in the night, we got a call from the hospital. I rushed with my dad on my moped and by the time we reached, everything ended. My dad was really moved and he immediately moved out as if he was unable to bear the shock. Though i was a teen, i comforted my dad and we both wept. Too heavy work for a teenager.

January 2006: I was into 2nd year of college and was in Noida with mom to complete the semester registration. Mom got a call that her maternal grandmother died. Yes my mom's maternal grandmother! She was 93. I used to call her boodhi naani as she was older than my nani ji. She used to love me so much. I am sad because i don't have her photos. She treated me like a prince and i was the cynosure of her eyes. She would always give me so much money whenever i used to go to my nanaji's home during summer vacation. I could not attend her funeral and feel pity about.

October 2008: I was in first year IIT and my younger mamiji passed away under mysterious circumstances. Her son Vibhu and her daugter Yashi are very close to my heart. Both have no body to look after and live with their Maternal grandparents. We try to bring them every summer. Luckily this time i was able to meet both of them as their schools were closed and they will spend 2 months at my home. Mamiji was young and i was 11 when she married my mamaji. She was a sweet lady and her smile was very lovely. 

Seriously, the last decade of 20th century was very bad for my family. As a kid, i encountered three deaths and was moved. My teenage was more painful because i kept loosing my beloved people. Some of them would have been very happy when i got my first job. I am the eldest and they would have been glad seeing me lead this generation of kids with proud and honour. I most of all miss Nanaji and Mamaji. They would have been so happy to see my upbringing and my achievements. I seriously wanted to ride a Yamaha with me controlling the bike and mamaji sitting behind me. It's another thing that all my family members still hate Yamahas.

Having seen so much in life so early, i am a broken man. Learnt so many things a bit too early. No wonder i like sad songs. When you suffer that much, you start liking sad things. But that does not mean i am always sad! Yes, there is pain in my heart as i am deprived of so many people. But still i smile, i laugh despite all odds because life does not stop. Actually nothing stops if people die. The best thing we do is to strive ahead and make the dead ones proud. They would be seeing us from heaven. I so so miss all of you even though all of you are history now :'( 

I love and miss my dead ones and that is why i love people around me. I have friends, some good some bad. I am scared to loose more people and therefore i make every attempt not to lose anybody in life due to my mistake or his/her. I realize the value and worth of people. Its a good thing to value others and be available when they actually need you. Giving time and love to all of them. It feels nice to my heart. I know what it means to have a 'family'.

Recently i went home. I realized that there are so many things to look after as an elder, even if i am unhappy at heart. I took all of the available baccha party to dinner. Vibhu and Yashi were specially happy and that was my objective. I met them in person after almost 5 years. Phone talks do not bring that much warmth though. We had a bang and sitting on the rear seat, they all were making me laugh while i was driving the car. I feel that its our time now to lead. Shalu di, Chunnu, Minakshi, me, Vibhu and Yashi.. i hope all will do well in life and would make our dead ones proud in heaven. 

I am thankful to google as i am at my expressive best today. Normally i am not that expressive. Childhood was painful but things do come out of heart like a volcano sometimes......

Lesson 2 - Are you the Priority ??

Continuing from my previous post, i present here my second post on the topic. A very short discussion with a friend whom i met after nearly a year cleared all the air.. We were talking weird things, and bumped into this topic.

Well the simple question is, are you or have you been your girlfriend's priority always? How can you make your girlfriend your priority when she never made you her priority? For e.g. Is her work more important than you, whereas you skipped your work for spending time with her? Did she ever gave up her sleep, whereas you screwed your sleeps to meet her? Did she meet you when leaving for some place, or just kept on packing the bags and left without your glimpse? Did she slept comfortably when you wanted to meet her whereas you turned up even while suffering with high fever when she wanted to meet you?

You kept on fulfilling everything, whereas she could not follow your requests..!! No, that does not work that away. You leave your classes, take her around on borrowed bikes, celebrate her birthdays with your friends, make strategies to get placed with best salaries, earn good so as to buy a bike on which both can roam, meet her whenever you find even little time etc etc. You end up almost becoming a robot, selling yourself, dealing with work pressure, overlooking your parents, siblings to make that girl happy..!! No, that should not work that way.

On the other hand, its quite likely that she would turn down your foresight at that moment, only to adopt it after wasting 2 years! She would get irritated if you surprise her during her sleep. She may not say i love you to you for a long time and you kept on wondering in the jungles. She may decide what suits her best rather than taking your opinion. She will leave the city without meeting you while you never spend a Sunday without meeting her. Reason for all this?? Her priority is NOT you. Your wishes/dreams for her are NOT her priority!

Needless to say that priorities are never compromised. If you are hungry, food is your priority. If you are thirsty, water is your priority. If you are in love, then your partner is your priority. You always find time to make up your priorities because they are non- negotiable.You found time for her because she was your priority. But the reverse may not always be true. Therefore, always check if you are her priority. In case, she does things from her own mind, then you are not her priority. And if you are not her priority, then why has she been your priority?

Because you never realized...!! But better late than never. There is no dearth of good girls in the world. In the end, you will find one. So get up and tell her that if she has her own priorities (which unfortunately are more important than you), then you also have several other things to do in life. Do well in your career, achiever new heights, go biking, break records, chat with friends and forgot her. Most certainly, a girl who doesn't realize or know that you are more important for her than her priorities, is not for you. 

Stay away from such girls and live your life. You may not win ONE girl but you may win MANY OTHER people who value you and for whom you are a priority.. :) :)

Going mad....

I am slowly going mad. I can feel it. I sleep 5 hours, day after day, after day. I eat more, day after day after day. And its really impossible for someone to move me away from my laptop and its various apps.

Then in the morning, this supposedly tired soul goes to office. The soul does not put up a great show there, though not bad. The heart is out so much that it wants to go biking at 12 midnight. Seems a virus has corrupted my system :P God knows who....

Main pagal hu kya?? Don't know. Sala kal office jana hai, aur yahan main blog likh raha hu.. Koi C hi aisa karega. Mind is saying, saale kyu apni marwa raha hai....? Aur heart is saying c'mmon yaar do what you like..! Ye sala heart and mind ka game strange hai.. Really screws up life :P

Have big dreams but no road map and certainly no homework. Don't know if life is driving me or i am driving life. But thoda off track jaane me kya problem hai? Wapas to track par hi aana hai train ko.. ! The good train always comes back on track. Hum aise hi rahenge.. So Good bye google.. For now, I am listening to my heart and going off track to vroom on quite roads...!! Road map kal se dekhenge. Abhi road dekh lete hain :P

P.S: Google defines madness as extremely foolish behaviour :D

Poetry

The delightfulness of poetry is in its deep wording and deeper meaning. It has always been a pleasure to decode the words and be enlightened with the knowledge and observations, which great poets embraced years ago. Specifically Ghalib and Firaaq has written some amazing poetry.

Bohot dino me  mohabbat ko ye hua maloom, 
Jo teri yaad me guzri, wo raat, raat hui...

This was a great piece, i liked very much.


Meanwhile, managed to get hold of the song 'Tum hi ho' of Ashiqui 2 which has some great poetry. The voice of Mithoon adjusts very well with the Video. Looking forward to this movie.

Feel like cutting off from the wired world. But blog is the only thing holding out. I am able to talk myself on it. I feel like i have a great friend. Something big in life is coming up soon. I hope i am able to do justice with it and embrace it.

Sayonara...