The time which has stopped

It feels very pinching. Why do mom ask about alice again and again? What is my fault? What should i answer?

I am so much pissed off by all this. Why should i always be on scanner when i did nothing? People use it to taunt me as if i was incapable; as if all was my fault; as if it was me who was heart-less? That heart tearing pinch.. Uff... God why you punish me each day each moment? Was i so bad?

Did any one saw all those moments when i was sobbing in this loneliness, for no fault of mine? My only fault was that i showed too much concern for a person whom i thought deserved it. I am also angry on Isha. It has been a month since she called. Obviously i have got to know my actual importance. When i needed people, they all went away saying you are strong, this is happening for good, you will come out, "Move-on". Very easy words to shrug off one's responsibility and stay away. Keep it up people..

Fever

Mom has got plasters in her left leg. Already she was so weak by spondilytis and now this no-movement plaster. I too am not well today. Have caught fever. Can't even tell mom.

Hey Alice, i know you think but you don't call me. But the real taste of life is to hold your head high, not low. I cannot make you believe some things which i know because you out rightly reject those. This is just your fear and nothing else.

But i just write on this blog to express my feelings. After all, how long can i talk to myself?? Hehe. "Kabhi apna khayal nahi rakhte. Baby boy" . Alice, you may not be here to get angry and sweetly scold me on my health. But your memories remain forever...

:-(

Day by day, Mom's condition is getting worse. I keep on getting bad dreams. What to do? I have to bear all this alone. I will face all this alone. Dear God, One day let Alice feel, what it means to be alone and how it feels when you are punished with no fault of yours.

I hope my mom gets better soon. When i need Alice the most, she is not there. Not even accessible on phone. What a great fulfilling of promises..!!

Bone T.B

I am very sad today. So have to share my feelings with Google. Mom has been detected positive for Bone T.B. How can a bone have T.B? I heard all my life that Tuberculosis is only confined to lungs. She is already so weak and fragile. I am so afraid and feeling alone here. What to do? Cant even go home because exams are round the corner and dad has asked not to come back. I don't know why life puts all the burden on you at once and tests you so badly that you seem to crumble and feel torn apart in pressure?

Stronger you are, tender you go. Right now i just want to go home. See extremely egregious dreams at night. Why did i came to this place? It's so far from my family, so far from Alice, So far from friends. I don't know what life has in store for me. I just know that Alice is not here. She was the only one with whom i could have shared my fear and anxiety right now. I miss you Alice. Very much.. :-(

Irony..

Had a sleepless night yesterday. Its become a routine now. Saw cutie in dreams but suddenly woke up. :-) Wanting to hear a voice which i am used to but how to hear? It been a month since i heard her. Do i have her number? Irony... !!
Since i cannot talk to cutie, i express my feelings here. There's no body else...!!

Life shows so many things. Little Alice cannot know/feel my troubles sitting so far from here. She cannot see my cries, my sad mood, my studies, my work-load, my targets, my responsibilities. She thinks i m fine. But i have to carry it all on my head. If she actually feels, then why cutie acting rudely? Cutting contacts slowly. It feels very pinching.

U want to meet somebody desperately but cannot meet. Its extremely egregious. Sweety may not want to meet but i have to. Relations are made over the years but it takes 5 minutes to break them. After all, i am concerned only because my feelings for her have not reduced, but doubled. I hope to maintain them. Hearts are won only by being good and not by any strategies. And i am confident about that.

What is Love??

One day, i was sitting in this big dark stadium alone in the middle of night. I often go there. I asked myself this question, what is love??
Suddenly all my grey cells started blaming me for my emotional stand. But later, my true virtue took control. People take me as a studious, ambitious person. But they fail to see the other side of me, quite often. I am just like any other average, shy student wanting to help others for no reason.

"Love is when you want to forget somebody, but cannot do that", Prompt came the reply from my heart. You become more concerned, more insecure, more caring, more jovial. It's just the difference of opinions that has blocked our ways. But sooner or later, cutie will realize the space i gave to her. That i gave her full freedom besides making her ready for the nitty-gritties of life. That i loved her while keeping in focus her studies. There are many things she doesnot know. I never told her but i want to tell her now. How? Thats the question. Does Google really talks??

I knew how to make her happy. She gets lively and rejoices just on a visit to restraunt with me. A completely perky and sweet-heart personality.

Good buildings have a strong edifice. And my foundations are strong. A person may shake it but cannot crush it into shambles. Is it Love?? Focus is what she needs. Being a hindu, muslim, christian or a sikh is immaterial if u are in love. The important thing is to have belief and trust in the relation which you have built over the years, not to see each other BUT to know each other well, to know how the other will react in a situation, to understand if other couldnot fulfill certain aspirations, to understand his silence, to understand his wishes, to understand her behaviour. These are the only thing that keep our mom-dad together for so many years !!

When cutie got angry or sad, i calmed her down with a sweet smile or a surprise."Only you can understand me, nobody else". This was the sweet reply i got often. Very cleverly, i used to divert her attention and she could never found out. :-) How i diverted her attention from the tension of campus placement to MBA (knowing fully well that M.Tech is least probable due to less seats), how i kept her away from a good guide so that her grades did not suffer, she never found out. It was important for her at that time to maintain 65% to get admission any where. Those were some unspoken things, i never said. Was that Love??

I know cutie is behaving just like i had predicted. When she is alone, she often search for a close companion. I am not there. And perhaps she has also forgotten her DEAR DIARY. She used to write on a paper whatever she felt. I have stored many of those. I had plans but she couldnot wait till V-Day. And I have to work hard for her future also. Added responsibilites..!! So many things to solve at one time. :-) But i know i will handle all those. I have full belief. She may have lost belief but it will bounce back in due course.. But i have to wait till then and be patient. And what is this?? This IS love..