Music...

Jaane ye kaisi kashish hai, ek pal me gaya dil yun pass tumhare...

Toot ke girte hain jaise zameen par, aksar raaton me sitaare..

Beautiful lines and soulful music.

But then, thats me....

Reading old posts can be dangerous. They tell you that the world has changed a lot, but we are still the same. I got hold of one of my old posts, which said "Start of a new dawn".. So optimistic was me that time! But good start does not mean good end. The end is always in the hands of others. Successful marriage is (also) in the hands of the wife, successful marks in the hands of a teacher. Similarly your happiness can be in the hands of others. 

Well, my "start of a new dawn" of 2009 has come to an end in 2013. It is in dusk mode now. I have to start all over again. I hate those people (and to the core of my heart) in my life who never let me stabilize, who took (or take) advantage of my good behaviour and nature, and who now shed crocodile tears telling me that i am good guy and that they want to see me happy! As if i did not know about me. But they forget that earth is round, the universe is also round and that life is also round. What you throw comes back at you at some point of time. You meet people again someday. Life comes to a full circle atleast once in lifetime.   

I am a believer of good things. I do good and i believe that if i do good to people, good things will automatically happen to me. I am happy with who i am. But i am unhappy with how people are. Even my greatest friends (male/female) have made me feel that they are somewhere selfish. But little do they know that a hospital patient does not require CT Scan machine but a helping hand who can calm him/her down. Life thus comes to a full circle. Selfishness has to make way for inclusiveness someday. Somebody told me that its written. Maktub...! 

May be my thoughts are novel. May be i am over sensitive. May be i dont express. May be i am an altruist. May be i dont make people realize that i am sad somewhere. May be i am/was always available for them, when they are/were never available for me. But then, thats me..... And thats my talent. And my biggest achievement is that even my enemies talk to me, appreciate me. Thats a rare talent to find/hear and very tough one to achieve. 

So as Raj Kapoor sings..... Sajan re jhooth mat bolo, khuda ke pass jana hai... Na haathi hai na ghoda hai, wahan paidal hi jana hai.... Bura keeje bura hoga,, bhala keeje bhala hoga.

Or as Hoobastank sings.... "You look for all that's wrong, instead of all that is right..1 Does it feel good to you... ?"

Historical rememberance

May 1994: I was 8 years old when my mausaji died of heart attack. That time, i did not know the meaning of heart attack even. I saw my mausi crying as she was only 30 years old then. That was the first death i ever encountered in my life.

4th June 1995: Barely a year later, i was 9 and my maternal grandfather died of liver cancer and multiple organ failure. He was so close to me. He used to encourage me so much. He was the one who took me actually to studies. I used to study hard as he always promised a grand gift if i topped my class. And luckily, i used to stand among top 3 in my class year after year while in school. Still i got those gifts. Those were good days. I was really struck when nanaji left me. He used to bring jalebis for me to eat, toys to play with and comics to read (i can still read comics full night!). All that came from him. 

He used to come back from work late in night. And i draw inspiration from him. He used to go everywhere with a gunner as he was the chief cashier. Every time the gunner entered my house, i used to run inside as i was afraid of his long rifle. But he too was a nice man. Traveling around Lucknow in a car and with a gunner felt so high class those days! Nevertheless, nanaji left me. That was my first encounter with the feeling of losing a beloved person. I cried along with the whole family. Unfortunately, because i was too young, i was not taken to his funeral.  Still i could not sleep for days after his death.

13th July 1999:  13th is considered a bad date in India. I lost my elder mamaji just 4 years after i lost my nanaji. He was 29 years old that time. He died in a painful road accident. He would buy me comics and take me to roam on his Yamaha RX-100 bike. May be he is the reason why my current bike is also a Yamaha. I bought a Yamaha because of him, although every body in family dissuaded me. I liked Super Commando Dhruv just as much as he liked. That's why he never said no when i insisted on buying a super commando comics. He died on his beloved Yamaha when a truck hit him and he fell 30 feet down from the roadside in the premises of the very place where my nanaji used to work. What an irony :( Even after so many years, we don't know why he went on a road which would lead him out of Lucknow? What he was doing on that road at 1 a.m in the night, that too alone? He was supposed to come home by 11 pm that day. No body has the answers. 

17 May 2003: 4 years later, i lost my paternal grandfather. My babaji was a stern man. He screwed me up like anything but he was the one who gave me the name 'Seetu'. Ya initially that was my nick name before my parents started calling me Sachu. But babaji called me seetu always till his last days. I was not allowed to sleep after 6 am whenever i visited his home, even during summer vacation. That seemed like yucky but now i know that he was right. Thereafter, till i completed class 12th, i always got up by 5 am and used to study fresh minded. Ya those were the most hard working and pleasing days. Babaji died 15 days after he had a stroke and was paralysed. I was sufficiently old that time to understand the situation. At 1 in the night, we got a call from the hospital. I rushed with my dad on my moped and by the time we reached, everything ended. My dad was really moved and he immediately moved out as if he was unable to bear the shock. Though i was a teen, i comforted my dad and we both wept. Too heavy work for a teenager.

January 2006: I was into 2nd year of college and was in Noida with mom to complete the semester registration. Mom got a call that her maternal grandmother died. Yes my mom's maternal grandmother! She was 93. I used to call her boodhi naani as she was older than my nani ji. She used to love me so much. I am sad because i don't have her photos. She treated me like a prince and i was the cynosure of her eyes. She would always give me so much money whenever i used to go to my nanaji's home during summer vacation. I could not attend her funeral and feel pity about.

October 2008: I was in first year IIT and my younger mamiji passed away under mysterious circumstances. Her son Vibhu and her daugter Yashi are very close to my heart. Both have no body to look after and live with their Maternal grandparents. We try to bring them every summer. Luckily this time i was able to meet both of them as their schools were closed and they will spend 2 months at my home. Mamiji was young and i was 11 when she married my mamaji. She was a sweet lady and her smile was very lovely. 

Seriously, the last decade of 20th century was very bad for my family. As a kid, i encountered three deaths and was moved. My teenage was more painful because i kept loosing my beloved people. Some of them would have been very happy when i got my first job. I am the eldest and they would have been glad seeing me lead this generation of kids with proud and honour. I most of all miss Nanaji and Mamaji. They would have been so happy to see my upbringing and my achievements. I seriously wanted to ride a Yamaha with me controlling the bike and mamaji sitting behind me. It's another thing that all my family members still hate Yamahas.

Having seen so much in life so early, i am a broken man. Learnt so many things a bit too early. No wonder i like sad songs. When you suffer that much, you start liking sad things. But that does not mean i am always sad! Yes, there is pain in my heart as i am deprived of so many people. But still i smile, i laugh despite all odds because life does not stop. Actually nothing stops if people die. The best thing we do is to strive ahead and make the dead ones proud. They would be seeing us from heaven. I so so miss all of you even though all of you are history now :'( 

I love and miss my dead ones and that is why i love people around me. I have friends, some good some bad. I am scared to loose more people and therefore i make every attempt not to lose anybody in life due to my mistake or his/her. I realize the value and worth of people. Its a good thing to value others and be available when they actually need you. Giving time and love to all of them. It feels nice to my heart. I know what it means to have a 'family'.

Recently i went home. I realized that there are so many things to look after as an elder, even if i am unhappy at heart. I took all of the available baccha party to dinner. Vibhu and Yashi were specially happy and that was my objective. I met them in person after almost 5 years. Phone talks do not bring that much warmth though. We had a bang and sitting on the rear seat, they all were making me laugh while i was driving the car. I feel that its our time now to lead. Shalu di, Chunnu, Minakshi, me, Vibhu and Yashi.. i hope all will do well in life and would make our dead ones proud in heaven. 

I am thankful to google as i am at my expressive best today. Normally i am not that expressive. Childhood was painful but things do come out of heart like a volcano sometimes......

Lesson 2 - Are you the Priority ??

Continuing from my previous post, i present here my second post on the topic. A very short discussion with a friend whom i met after nearly a year cleared all the air.. We were talking weird things, and bumped into this topic.

Well the simple question is, are you or have you been your girlfriend's priority always? How can you make your girlfriend your priority when she never made you her priority? For e.g. Is her work more important than you, whereas you skipped your work for spending time with her? Did she ever gave up her sleep, whereas you screwed your sleeps to meet her? Did she meet you when leaving for some place, or just kept on packing the bags and left without your glimpse? Did she slept comfortably when you wanted to meet her whereas you turned up even while suffering with high fever when she wanted to meet you?

You kept on fulfilling everything, whereas she could not follow your requests..!! No, that does not work that away. You leave your classes, take her around on borrowed bikes, celebrate her birthdays with your friends, make strategies to get placed with best salaries, earn good so as to buy a bike on which both can roam, meet her whenever you find even little time etc etc. You end up almost becoming a robot, selling yourself, dealing with work pressure, overlooking your parents, siblings to make that girl happy..!! No, that should not work that way.

On the other hand, its quite likely that she would turn down your foresight at that moment, only to adopt it after wasting 2 years! She would get irritated if you surprise her during her sleep. She may not say i love you to you for a long time and you kept on wondering in the jungles. She may decide what suits her best rather than taking your opinion. She will leave the city without meeting you while you never spend a Sunday without meeting her. Reason for all this?? Her priority is NOT you. Your wishes/dreams for her are NOT her priority!

Needless to say that priorities are never compromised. If you are hungry, food is your priority. If you are thirsty, water is your priority. If you are in love, then your partner is your priority. You always find time to make up your priorities because they are non- negotiable.You found time for her because she was your priority. But the reverse may not always be true. Therefore, always check if you are her priority. In case, she does things from her own mind, then you are not her priority. And if you are not her priority, then why has she been your priority?

Because you never realized...!! But better late than never. There is no dearth of good girls in the world. In the end, you will find one. So get up and tell her that if she has her own priorities (which unfortunately are more important than you), then you also have several other things to do in life. Do well in your career, achiever new heights, go biking, break records, chat with friends and forgot her. Most certainly, a girl who doesn't realize or know that you are more important for her than her priorities, is not for you. 

Stay away from such girls and live your life. You may not win ONE girl but you may win MANY OTHER people who value you and for whom you are a priority.. :) :)

Going mad....

I am slowly going mad. I can feel it. I sleep 5 hours, day after day, after day. I eat more, day after day after day. And its really impossible for someone to move me away from my laptop and its various apps.

Then in the morning, this supposedly tired soul goes to office. The soul does not put up a great show there, though not bad. The heart is out so much that it wants to go biking at 12 midnight. Seems a virus has corrupted my system :P God knows who....

Main pagal hu kya?? Don't know. Sala kal office jana hai, aur yahan main blog likh raha hu.. Koi C hi aisa karega. Mind is saying, saale kyu apni marwa raha hai....? Aur heart is saying c'mmon yaar do what you like..! Ye sala heart and mind ka game strange hai.. Really screws up life :P

Have big dreams but no road map and certainly no homework. Don't know if life is driving me or i am driving life. But thoda off track jaane me kya problem hai? Wapas to track par hi aana hai train ko.. ! The good train always comes back on track. Hum aise hi rahenge.. So Good bye google.. For now, I am listening to my heart and going off track to vroom on quite roads...!! Road map kal se dekhenge. Abhi road dekh lete hain :P

P.S: Google defines madness as extremely foolish behaviour :D

Poetry

The delightfulness of poetry is in its deep wording and deeper meaning. It has always been a pleasure to decode the words and be enlightened with the knowledge and observations, which great poets embraced years ago. Specifically Ghalib and Firaaq has written some amazing poetry.

Bohot dino me  mohabbat ko ye hua maloom, 
Jo teri yaad me guzri, wo raat, raat hui...

This was a great piece, i liked very much.


Meanwhile, managed to get hold of the song 'Tum hi ho' of Ashiqui 2 which has some great poetry. The voice of Mithoon adjusts very well with the Video. Looking forward to this movie.

Feel like cutting off from the wired world. But blog is the only thing holding out. I am able to talk myself on it. I feel like i have a great friend. Something big in life is coming up soon. I hope i am able to do justice with it and embrace it.

Sayonara... 

Rock n Roll

Breached 95 km per hour speed on the Fazer today for more than 5 minutes. A fantastic ride and a never ending road.... 100 km per hour is up now. Meanwhile Kawasaki Ninja 250R has stung me with its sexy looks, style and solid performance. Whenever i can afford it, that's definitely gonna be my next bike.

A song has terribly caught attention. There's a different feeling when you can relate to the music but don't understand the lyrics and the language. :) Even Malayalam can deliver rock songs.. !

Good night Google.