The effect of Recession

So, here i am in the midst of the dead night listening to soulful instrumental of 'Hum Tum'. Dumbo has gone home and so even coffees have become tasteless as a result. An occasional visit to Cheddi's is all that has kept me alive here. The situation becomes even more horrendous on days when a twinkling sound keeps emerging from the pocket pointing that only a few coins are left indicating that the recession has not subsided yet and a possible bankruptcy is not too far away! ATM hardly helps in Bengal as either the machine is out of order or if it is working, then it usually is short of money. In my case, the reason was something else. (Hum Tum is so good a song! Lets hear one more time.) There was this strike of Bankers which resulted in closure of all the four ATMs that day.

But how on earth can you make your tummy understand this? So, the result was that hunger was taking its toll and i was about to faint. I could well make out how bankers who lost their jobs in recession would have felt. But Kharagpur bankers are so -called leftist who hardly know who Karl Marx was! They do not believe in recession. Rather they believe in strike as it is the only thing which keeps Bengal in national news in an otherwise backward and poor state. Such bankers are sarkari bankers so doing work is against their principles. So, I left all hope.

By evening, i was about to faint when suddenly i heard sound of some coins. I quickly opened the drawer and found that its base was full of coins. i started counting and to my surprise the amount exceeded fifty bucks! The habit of putting extra coins into drawer saved my life and i quickly ran to Cheddi's to have a tinku. Recession coupled with strike almost starved me but as they say, there always exists a chance to get over odds.

Zig zag in mind..

Sitting here in my room after safely bunking the class, i think of preparing a further road map now. Its high time now. No more words! Call for action.. During the past 1 year of my stay at IIT Kgp, i have seen several highs and lows. Obviously the lows have outnumbered highs. Still i am not a usual boy to loose spirit. Its time to rock and rock so that the whole world may see. I hope soon there will be an occasion where i will be smiling and others looking at me. The responsibility of T-n-P cell has become quite exciting now. I am able to take decisions and indulge into discussions. Of course, i have started enjoying. Now i can say every responsibility brings some light and high moments also. Still a far way to go...

The studies have not been as anticipated. I have to focus on that. Though i have started looking into it. Focusing more on the knowledge aspect rather than class room studies. As Nandi sir puts it, "Consider your knowledge of law to be zero after passing out from here. Then only you will improve." How correct he is. As of now, the mantra is to stay cool and stay focussed. Lets see what's in for me...

Growing....

I m apparently exhausted with my new responsibility. Tension prevails. Complaints of unavailability are regular now. Mom has started complaining. Inspite of all this, there is one thing which keeps me going. The oppurtunity to prove myself, a new chance to let the people see. I do feel the pressure sometimes and a puff or too comes to my rescue. But i dont have much options as my work is too obstruse for the people. Its quite obvious that what i do now will be looked upon as a thing of pride or as a shame, based on the outcome of my efforts. And i am constantly working so that the former happens soon. Moving on, I do missed tanya but what to do? I don't have any option but to accept the fact. The plant which was sown is long dead now. Her birthday was a chance for me to be sad as well as to be happy. Sad because she is not here and happy because she must have been happy as it was her birthday. Geet helps too much and understands me. I still have sleepless nights. I don't know where i am headed to but all i know is that there must be something good written for me. Maktub!! A chocolate is long due by somebody...

And we call vacations boring... Are they really?

Like all of you, i too get summer vacations. Its a perfect time for vella panti (VP). Now planning to do VP is not at all easy. You have to work hard for it. You keep lying on bed, trying to sleep for maximum time. But how much is enough? Then you get bored of sleeping. Again, then you try to read books. Complete one, two or may be three novels. Enough? Bored again!!

"Lets move on and try some other stuff", we say to ourselves. Now we start watching TV. Different programmes, hundreds of channels. But how many and for how long? Stick to it for two days and you feel same stuff being shown every other day. In the evening, the remote has to be necessarily passed on to mom to watch those K-serials, otherwise its possible you won't be served dinner. So two more days and even TV gets boring. Now what?

"Lets try malls, multiplexes". Okay, our mind asserts. We keep roaming around malls, watching some really beautiful things, try window shopping, watch the latest movies and hang on with friends. But till when? 4-5 days pass, and even this stuff starts giving hiccups. Plus you get additional dose at home for coming late or for spending too much. "Uff, ab kya karein?"

Try shopping. Wow, thats something which has a feel. But you can't shop for more than one day. Why? Bcoz your pocket won't allow, of course untill you are a spoilt brat or born with a silver spoon in mouth. Simple! So even this option gone. Lets join some classes. Dance or cookery. Uff but its so hot outside in summers. How will i go? And why classes? I already attend a lots of them during course work. Lets try visiting neighbours. We visit two-three of them and soon get bored. Why? Because you can't talk with aunties and uncles for more than 30 minutes. "And what about their children?". They are usually either older to us, or too elder to us or simply out of station. No respite here too. "Ab kaha jaun?"

Chalo, lets go to relatives. But they usually are so many. If you go to one and do not visit others, they will start complaining. And what about their pyaar se banaya gaya khaana? That thoda-sa khaana is usually a little less than what 3 people can eat combined. And relatives always feel that we have become slim since last time so we are expected to finish that thoda-sa khaana. Night-long heavy stomach and we swear not to visit such relatives again.

Finally our inquisitive mind asks, "Feel like killing time, Why vacations are so long?". "Arre, but you were dying to have those vacations. Weren't you?", asked God. "I wish my vacations were not so long". Then God replies, "Try to help your mom in her daily works. This way you will not feel bored". Chalo, Lets try to help mom in her daily works. So, We start helping mom in her daily routine. Early morning walk, then breakfast, tea, Lunch, grocery shopping, evening tea, dinner, doing the dishes and lo ho gaya. We prepare tea, may be try and soon start hating kitchen.

...Uff same stuff again and again? What seemed so simple to us is often very difficult. And our respective moms keep on doing it the same stuff uncomplainingly for so many years, infact through all their lives. And we have so many different works to do during these two month vacations and we complain ki i am bored? So is our boredom any where near to what our mom's felt during the past 20-25 years doing same stuff over and over again? Confused and surprised i asked mom. "Mom, don't you get bored?". She replied, "if i would have got bored even once during all those years, you would have been left hungry, or you might have missed your homework, might have missed your exams, or your breakfast, or you might have missed out on your play time. But did that ever happen? When was the last time your mother got ill? Beta, i took all your boredom upon me so that you can live happily and become what you are today. And seeing you i too am happy. Its important to love your work. Then only you can do the same stuff continously for so many years and succeed in your goal. "

I literally cried hearing that. And i realized what's fashionably called boredom among students is just a myth. Somewhere a mom must be getting bored right now so that her child can be happy. I realized that our vacations are enough for us. We can do many things but we will like them if only we love them. And while i finish this line, i know God must be smiling from the sky seeing me and my changed view..

Friendship defined

Many a times, i do those things which i should not have done. But we all are like that. I believe if we do any thing honestly without any suspense at the backyard, then doing that is justified. May be to be spontaneous is not good. But to keep mum is also not welcomed.

I kept on thinking the whole night what is the basis of a good friendship? Is it too much time which was spent, is it understanding, is it honesty, is it leg-pulling, is it laughter or is it the company of the other person? I inferred that a good friendship has all of these components, in small parts. But still without understanding, it's not going to exist. The foundation of every such building must be understanding. So does a friendship enters danger zone by removing one of these factors? I hope not. Understanding comes to the rescue.

I have never considered time as the basis. Many of my good friends were made in a day. Its the understanding again. Its the trust which makes us believe that other person cannot do bad to us. He won't harm us in any way. He will stand by us when we need him. But does that practically happen? As far as i think, in my case, i do stand in support of my friends no matter whether the situation is harmful or eventful for me.

Perhaps i am too spontaneous. I pay the price. But its always better to speak off. It helps in connecting with a person. It helps to make a good chemistry. Still no two persons are different. So not many people will agree with the above point. But then, that's me. If you feel good in the company of a person, then he is your friend. If you have a proper understanding and feel good in his company, then he's your good friend. If in addition to the above two, you also have trust upon him, then he is your best friend. This is because trust is one thing which develops only once. If it is lost, it is never build up again. It's my opinion. People may vary.

Good relations take months to develop. But it takes five minutes to crush them. I hope i remember this forever.

The start of a new Dawn

The previous semester was a horrendous one, partly due to Tanya's insensitivity and partly due to the aftermaths of it. Some stupid, emotional and absolutely crazy acts ensued . I had never been so insensitive towards my studies as was in semester that passed by. Never did i thought so casually about my career and risked it as in this one. But once all this is over, i hope for a new dawn. Very painfully and unwantedly, i have collected the bits and pieces of my mind in this soul-crushing, body shattering milieu which the so-called IIT gives its students. It is easier to express than to feel. I will never like to look back at what happened. May be it does not deserve to be thought about. Obviously my life has no place for coconuts.

Now, i wish for a new sun, a new environment, a new semester, a new thinking, a new Sachin. While i am more thoughful and working harder to restore the fruitful relationships i built over the years with my friends, at the same time i am also trying to be somebody who can be relied upon entirely. A little more trustworthy. This semester i wish i can concentrate only on my studies and career. I will work hard for it. I aspire to be a little more ruthless if i be hurt and with a little more proving attitude. But one thing is certain. I donot have any reason to be the person i used to be.

If you ever fall down in life, you have only two two options: either stay down or get up. I have chosen the latter. So let me start. A lot of work is pending. And this time, Jerry will also be around. So overall a new dawn !

An Unseen Chum..

She is from Delhi, a place i have enough reasons to hate. I havenot seen her. I hardly know anything about her. Yet i feel she is a great buddy, a close one. I don't know why she feels like talking to me or why i send messages to her? Of course, i have not seen her but i expect to meet her soon. In this globalized world, friends are on a click of the mouse. Her voice has innocence and freshness. Usually i am not too loquacious with girls but she makes me feel comfortable as if we know each other since many years. The ease with which she talks is great and she must be having many friends. And ya she is so cool, cooler than ice. Hehe. She makes me laugh on some really small and stupid things. A little moron, a little weirdo and a great chum. I remember she once asked where i belonged to. I replied that i m an indian and she felt very nice. Likewise, many of her spontaneous answers make me laugh. I can't stop pulling her leg. Her spontaneous answers bring smile on my face.

She often impresses me with her intelligence and makes me feel that she deserves to be at IIT and i should be thrown out. :-) Her "Yesh" is a word in the voice of a girl with a childish heart. More optimistic, more naughty, more considerate and may be more caring than me. I think the only difference between us is that she lives and enjoys her life more completely than me. She's very honest in her words and i never mind any of them.

That's Proton alias chotu scientist alias sonu for me. I am lucky to have this dumbo friend. Hope we remain good friends for times to come. Hey dumbo, You rock.. ! And yes, I don't hate Delhi anymore..!!

Rain and distress...

Its may and already there have been two sessions of downpour at Kgp. Its raining outside. The atmosphere here is so serene and such great silence. Enough that a person can talk to himself completely without any disturbance.

They are putting up new infrastructure here and all my classrooms are AC now. I do not feel like going home. Off lately i have made a new net friend and i feel happy about it. My life is just not clicking. But it should get going soon.

I have stopped watching movies completely coz they make me sentimental now. Don't know what more changes i have to bring in myself to adjust my life :-( . On one side, i am here trying to resurrect and collect my broken bits and pieces and on the other Alice must be enjoying her new found life. One thing is for sure. I will not do anything that compromises my reputation, my good will or hurt her. Otherwise, what's the difference between both of us?
Thanks to Isha. She called after a long time. She's a true friend.

A good qoute..

Today i came across a brain-storming quote. It said, " Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in his life". Is it really so? I don't know. I just know that i have been honest and i will remain honest.

Its so lonely here. I wait to hear that tring-tring when Alice will call on my phone. That's life...

The time which has stopped

It feels very pinching. Why do mom ask about alice again and again? What is my fault? What should i answer?

I am so much pissed off by all this. Why should i always be on scanner when i did nothing? People use it to taunt me as if i was incapable; as if all was my fault; as if it was me who was heart-less? That heart tearing pinch.. Uff... God why you punish me each day each moment? Was i so bad?

Did any one saw all those moments when i was sobbing in this loneliness, for no fault of mine? My only fault was that i showed too much concern for a person whom i thought deserved it. I am also angry on Isha. It has been a month since she called. Obviously i have got to know my actual importance. When i needed people, they all went away saying you are strong, this is happening for good, you will come out, "Move-on". Very easy words to shrug off one's responsibility and stay away. Keep it up people..

Fever

Mom has got plasters in her left leg. Already she was so weak by spondilytis and now this no-movement plaster. I too am not well today. Have caught fever. Can't even tell mom.

Hey Alice, i know you think but you don't call me. But the real taste of life is to hold your head high, not low. I cannot make you believe some things which i know because you out rightly reject those. This is just your fear and nothing else.

But i just write on this blog to express my feelings. After all, how long can i talk to myself?? Hehe. "Kabhi apna khayal nahi rakhte. Baby boy" . Alice, you may not be here to get angry and sweetly scold me on my health. But your memories remain forever...

:-(

Day by day, Mom's condition is getting worse. I keep on getting bad dreams. What to do? I have to bear all this alone. I will face all this alone. Dear God, One day let Alice feel, what it means to be alone and how it feels when you are punished with no fault of yours.

I hope my mom gets better soon. When i need Alice the most, she is not there. Not even accessible on phone. What a great fulfilling of promises..!!

Bone T.B

I am very sad today. So have to share my feelings with Google. Mom has been detected positive for Bone T.B. How can a bone have T.B? I heard all my life that Tuberculosis is only confined to lungs. She is already so weak and fragile. I am so afraid and feeling alone here. What to do? Cant even go home because exams are round the corner and dad has asked not to come back. I don't know why life puts all the burden on you at once and tests you so badly that you seem to crumble and feel torn apart in pressure?

Stronger you are, tender you go. Right now i just want to go home. See extremely egregious dreams at night. Why did i came to this place? It's so far from my family, so far from Alice, So far from friends. I don't know what life has in store for me. I just know that Alice is not here. She was the only one with whom i could have shared my fear and anxiety right now. I miss you Alice. Very much.. :-(

Irony..

Had a sleepless night yesterday. Its become a routine now. Saw cutie in dreams but suddenly woke up. :-) Wanting to hear a voice which i am used to but how to hear? It been a month since i heard her. Do i have her number? Irony... !!
Since i cannot talk to cutie, i express my feelings here. There's no body else...!!

Life shows so many things. Little Alice cannot know/feel my troubles sitting so far from here. She cannot see my cries, my sad mood, my studies, my work-load, my targets, my responsibilities. She thinks i m fine. But i have to carry it all on my head. If she actually feels, then why cutie acting rudely? Cutting contacts slowly. It feels very pinching.

U want to meet somebody desperately but cannot meet. Its extremely egregious. Sweety may not want to meet but i have to. Relations are made over the years but it takes 5 minutes to break them. After all, i am concerned only because my feelings for her have not reduced, but doubled. I hope to maintain them. Hearts are won only by being good and not by any strategies. And i am confident about that.

What is Love??

One day, i was sitting in this big dark stadium alone in the middle of night. I often go there. I asked myself this question, what is love??
Suddenly all my grey cells started blaming me for my emotional stand. But later, my true virtue took control. People take me as a studious, ambitious person. But they fail to see the other side of me, quite often. I am just like any other average, shy student wanting to help others for no reason.

"Love is when you want to forget somebody, but cannot do that", Prompt came the reply from my heart. You become more concerned, more insecure, more caring, more jovial. It's just the difference of opinions that has blocked our ways. But sooner or later, cutie will realize the space i gave to her. That i gave her full freedom besides making her ready for the nitty-gritties of life. That i loved her while keeping in focus her studies. There are many things she doesnot know. I never told her but i want to tell her now. How? Thats the question. Does Google really talks??

I knew how to make her happy. She gets lively and rejoices just on a visit to restraunt with me. A completely perky and sweet-heart personality.

Good buildings have a strong edifice. And my foundations are strong. A person may shake it but cannot crush it into shambles. Is it Love?? Focus is what she needs. Being a hindu, muslim, christian or a sikh is immaterial if u are in love. The important thing is to have belief and trust in the relation which you have built over the years, not to see each other BUT to know each other well, to know how the other will react in a situation, to understand if other couldnot fulfill certain aspirations, to understand his silence, to understand his wishes, to understand her behaviour. These are the only thing that keep our mom-dad together for so many years !!

When cutie got angry or sad, i calmed her down with a sweet smile or a surprise."Only you can understand me, nobody else". This was the sweet reply i got often. Very cleverly, i used to divert her attention and she could never found out. :-) How i diverted her attention from the tension of campus placement to MBA (knowing fully well that M.Tech is least probable due to less seats), how i kept her away from a good guide so that her grades did not suffer, she never found out. It was important for her at that time to maintain 65% to get admission any where. Those were some unspoken things, i never said. Was that Love??

I know cutie is behaving just like i had predicted. When she is alone, she often search for a close companion. I am not there. And perhaps she has also forgotten her DEAR DIARY. She used to write on a paper whatever she felt. I have stored many of those. I had plans but she couldnot wait till V-Day. And I have to work hard for her future also. Added responsibilites..!! So many things to solve at one time. :-) But i know i will handle all those. I have full belief. She may have lost belief but it will bounce back in due course.. But i have to wait till then and be patient. And what is this?? This IS love..

A brief look...

Now that my lucky charm has got off-track, i have a very tough road ahead. She is a moving force behind most of my successes. But she hardly realizes it now. My loss is somebody Else's gain. But i am sure he won't understand her as i did. This is because i knew her completely. I did not just love her, i had 'affection' for her just like a father has towards his children. I had seen her grow and transform into a fine lady.

I never thought in my wildest dreams that sweety will go like that; that she can do this. Suddenly she has lost herself in her baseless thoughts. I try each day to make her see the reality but she is not interested. Seems like she wants to remain in that mushy world of her which does not have any edifice.

Dreams are short-lived. When they will crack, Alice won't be able to endure that unbearable pain. I always want that when she meets me, she lifts her head with grace and peep into my eyes. But she knows she will never be able to do that now. It will hurt me equally through out my life.

Little cutie has just broken a heart. But she will come again. And i know i will be there for her till the end...

Some questions unanswered..

Don't know why i want answers for some questions? Why is it that some questions in life remain unanswered? I try a lot to forgive little Alice but could not do that. Why?
You give your best and you get nothing in return. Not even an email...!!

Had i not been battered with so many responsibilities, i would have given more time for my problems. My life has come to a stand still. Everything else does not matter anymore. This place urges me to move ahead else i will be left behind in this mad and bloody race. I want some support but that is not to be.

People don't understand my irony. I too an human. I cannot take on everything that comes my way, particularly if it is unexpected. Today when i need the support most, nobody is there. Its easy to make people suffer but its very difficult to feel their distress.

Anyways little Alice goes far ahead in life, i only pray for that. I wish she studies more and get a good job. I am not concerned about me any more. I miss you. I love you. Just one chance and i will be the best person you can ever get.All this seems ordinary now. I hope i get the answers of my questions. Otherwise, i will not be dying in peace.

How to meet??

Cutie doesnot listen to me. She doesnot want to talk to me. Is this all what i have created? Is this what i worked for so many years? Is it the end of my long-cherished dream? She cannot do that. Cutie is not so.

Little Alice is confused because of her loneliness. And she is not able to understand that. Without meeting, these things cannot be sorted out. It requires a calm thought and thinking to arrive at such decisions. She is losing focus from her studies also. I know her. A person cannot change her mind. But how do i meet her? Thats a question. Exams are round the corner. I may have to choose between her and exams. That would be difficult decision for me.

A New Year has Arrived....

2009 has arrived. May be this year, India will emerge more strongly than ever before after the terrorist attack on Mumbai. Had i been the PM, i would have adopted the Israel model and would have gone all out against Pak to weed out the terrorist-breeding-and-then-denying nation.
The last year gave me so much. I became an engineer.It got admission to IIT Kgp. Again i qualified GATE. Got selected in JNU and IIIT Hyderabad. But there's more to it beside academics. It made me believe in myself and do what i feel the best way of doing a thing. Today i saw a video of harsha bhogle. What a personality he is. The most ordinary man with extra ordinary skills. It has given me a new idea of living life. Fitness, Communication and passion are my new year resolutions this year and i hope i will do justice to all of them.
Getting a low CGPA after a spate of highs will not deter me and i will try to learn more new things in my life this year. Every year brings in a lot of new experience with it and you just don't know what's in store for you.

And ya i have some plans for my sweet heart also. Lets wait till the V-day.. Hehe. I hope she doesnot read this. Surprise should remain surprise na??
So let's get back to some serious work !!