Music...

Jaane ye kaisi kashish hai, ek pal me gaya dil yun pass tumhare...

Toot ke girte hain jaise zameen par, aksar raaton me sitaare..

Beautiful lines and soulful music.

But then, thats me....

Reading old posts can be dangerous. They tell you that the world has changed a lot, but we are still the same. I got hold of one of my old posts, which said "Start of a new dawn".. So optimistic was me that time! But good start does not mean good end. The end is always in the hands of others. Successful marriage is (also) in the hands of the wife, successful marks in the hands of a teacher. Similarly your happiness can be in the hands of others. 

Well, my "start of a new dawn" of 2009 has come to an end in 2013. It is in dusk mode now. I have to start all over again. I hate those people (and to the core of my heart) in my life who never let me stabilize, who took (or take) advantage of my good behaviour and nature, and who now shed crocodile tears telling me that i am good guy and that they want to see me happy! As if i did not know about me. But they forget that earth is round, the universe is also round and that life is also round. What you throw comes back at you at some point of time. You meet people again someday. Life comes to a full circle atleast once in lifetime.   

I am a believer of good things. I do good and i believe that if i do good to people, good things will automatically happen to me. I am happy with who i am. But i am unhappy with how people are. Even my greatest friends (male/female) have made me feel that they are somewhere selfish. But little do they know that a hospital patient does not require CT Scan machine but a helping hand who can calm him/her down. Life thus comes to a full circle. Selfishness has to make way for inclusiveness someday. Somebody told me that its written. Maktub...! 

May be my thoughts are novel. May be i am over sensitive. May be i dont express. May be i am an altruist. May be i dont make people realize that i am sad somewhere. May be i am/was always available for them, when they are/were never available for me. But then, thats me..... And thats my talent. And my biggest achievement is that even my enemies talk to me, appreciate me. Thats a rare talent to find/hear and very tough one to achieve. 

So as Raj Kapoor sings..... Sajan re jhooth mat bolo, khuda ke pass jana hai... Na haathi hai na ghoda hai, wahan paidal hi jana hai.... Bura keeje bura hoga,, bhala keeje bhala hoga.

Or as Hoobastank sings.... "You look for all that's wrong, instead of all that is right..1 Does it feel good to you... ?"

Historical rememberance

May 1994: I was 8 years old when my mausaji died of heart attack. That time, i did not know the meaning of heart attack even. I saw my mausi crying as she was only 30 years old then. That was the first death i ever encountered in my life.

4th June 1995: Barely a year later, i was 9 and my maternal grandfather died of liver cancer and multiple organ failure. He was so close to me. He used to encourage me so much. He was the one who took me actually to studies. I used to study hard as he always promised a grand gift if i topped my class. And luckily, i used to stand among top 3 in my class year after year while in school. Still i got those gifts. Those were good days. I was really struck when nanaji left me. He used to bring jalebis for me to eat, toys to play with and comics to read (i can still read comics full night!). All that came from him. 

He used to come back from work late in night. And i draw inspiration from him. He used to go everywhere with a gunner as he was the chief cashier. Every time the gunner entered my house, i used to run inside as i was afraid of his long rifle. But he too was a nice man. Traveling around Lucknow in a car and with a gunner felt so high class those days! Nevertheless, nanaji left me. That was my first encounter with the feeling of losing a beloved person. I cried along with the whole family. Unfortunately, because i was too young, i was not taken to his funeral.  Still i could not sleep for days after his death.

13th July 1999:  13th is considered a bad date in India. I lost my elder mamaji just 4 years after i lost my nanaji. He was 29 years old that time. He died in a painful road accident. He would buy me comics and take me to roam on his Yamaha RX-100 bike. May be he is the reason why my current bike is also a Yamaha. I bought a Yamaha because of him, although every body in family dissuaded me. I liked Super Commando Dhruv just as much as he liked. That's why he never said no when i insisted on buying a super commando comics. He died on his beloved Yamaha when a truck hit him and he fell 30 feet down from the roadside in the premises of the very place where my nanaji used to work. What an irony :( Even after so many years, we don't know why he went on a road which would lead him out of Lucknow? What he was doing on that road at 1 a.m in the night, that too alone? He was supposed to come home by 11 pm that day. No body has the answers. 

17 May 2003: 4 years later, i lost my paternal grandfather. My babaji was a stern man. He screwed me up like anything but he was the one who gave me the name 'Seetu'. Ya initially that was my nick name before my parents started calling me Sachu. But babaji called me seetu always till his last days. I was not allowed to sleep after 6 am whenever i visited his home, even during summer vacation. That seemed like yucky but now i know that he was right. Thereafter, till i completed class 12th, i always got up by 5 am and used to study fresh minded. Ya those were the most hard working and pleasing days. Babaji died 15 days after he had a stroke and was paralysed. I was sufficiently old that time to understand the situation. At 1 in the night, we got a call from the hospital. I rushed with my dad on my moped and by the time we reached, everything ended. My dad was really moved and he immediately moved out as if he was unable to bear the shock. Though i was a teen, i comforted my dad and we both wept. Too heavy work for a teenager.

January 2006: I was into 2nd year of college and was in Noida with mom to complete the semester registration. Mom got a call that her maternal grandmother died. Yes my mom's maternal grandmother! She was 93. I used to call her boodhi naani as she was older than my nani ji. She used to love me so much. I am sad because i don't have her photos. She treated me like a prince and i was the cynosure of her eyes. She would always give me so much money whenever i used to go to my nanaji's home during summer vacation. I could not attend her funeral and feel pity about.

October 2008: I was in first year IIT and my younger mamiji passed away under mysterious circumstances. Her son Vibhu and her daugter Yashi are very close to my heart. Both have no body to look after and live with their Maternal grandparents. We try to bring them every summer. Luckily this time i was able to meet both of them as their schools were closed and they will spend 2 months at my home. Mamiji was young and i was 11 when she married my mamaji. She was a sweet lady and her smile was very lovely. 

Seriously, the last decade of 20th century was very bad for my family. As a kid, i encountered three deaths and was moved. My teenage was more painful because i kept loosing my beloved people. Some of them would have been very happy when i got my first job. I am the eldest and they would have been glad seeing me lead this generation of kids with proud and honour. I most of all miss Nanaji and Mamaji. They would have been so happy to see my upbringing and my achievements. I seriously wanted to ride a Yamaha with me controlling the bike and mamaji sitting behind me. It's another thing that all my family members still hate Yamahas.

Having seen so much in life so early, i am a broken man. Learnt so many things a bit too early. No wonder i like sad songs. When you suffer that much, you start liking sad things. But that does not mean i am always sad! Yes, there is pain in my heart as i am deprived of so many people. But still i smile, i laugh despite all odds because life does not stop. Actually nothing stops if people die. The best thing we do is to strive ahead and make the dead ones proud. They would be seeing us from heaven. I so so miss all of you even though all of you are history now :'( 

I love and miss my dead ones and that is why i love people around me. I have friends, some good some bad. I am scared to loose more people and therefore i make every attempt not to lose anybody in life due to my mistake or his/her. I realize the value and worth of people. Its a good thing to value others and be available when they actually need you. Giving time and love to all of them. It feels nice to my heart. I know what it means to have a 'family'.

Recently i went home. I realized that there are so many things to look after as an elder, even if i am unhappy at heart. I took all of the available baccha party to dinner. Vibhu and Yashi were specially happy and that was my objective. I met them in person after almost 5 years. Phone talks do not bring that much warmth though. We had a bang and sitting on the rear seat, they all were making me laugh while i was driving the car. I feel that its our time now to lead. Shalu di, Chunnu, Minakshi, me, Vibhu and Yashi.. i hope all will do well in life and would make our dead ones proud in heaven. 

I am thankful to google as i am at my expressive best today. Normally i am not that expressive. Childhood was painful but things do come out of heart like a volcano sometimes......

Lesson 2 - Are you the Priority ??

Continuing from my previous post, i present here my second post on the topic. A very short discussion with a friend whom i met after nearly a year cleared all the air.. We were talking weird things, and bumped into this topic.

Well the simple question is, are you or have you been your girlfriend's priority always? How can you make your girlfriend your priority when she never made you her priority? For e.g. Is her work more important than you, whereas you skipped your work for spending time with her? Did she ever gave up her sleep, whereas you screwed your sleeps to meet her? Did she meet you when leaving for some place, or just kept on packing the bags and left without your glimpse? Did she slept comfortably when you wanted to meet her whereas you turned up even while suffering with high fever when she wanted to meet you?

You kept on fulfilling everything, whereas she could not follow your requests..!! No, that does not work that away. You leave your classes, take her around on borrowed bikes, celebrate her birthdays with your friends, make strategies to get placed with best salaries, earn good so as to buy a bike on which both can roam, meet her whenever you find even little time etc etc. You end up almost becoming a robot, selling yourself, dealing with work pressure, overlooking your parents, siblings to make that girl happy..!! No, that should not work that way.

On the other hand, its quite likely that she would turn down your foresight at that moment, only to adopt it after wasting 2 years! She would get irritated if you surprise her during her sleep. She may not say i love you to you for a long time and you kept on wondering in the jungles. She may decide what suits her best rather than taking your opinion. She will leave the city without meeting you while you never spend a Sunday without meeting her. Reason for all this?? Her priority is NOT you. Your wishes/dreams for her are NOT her priority!

Needless to say that priorities are never compromised. If you are hungry, food is your priority. If you are thirsty, water is your priority. If you are in love, then your partner is your priority. You always find time to make up your priorities because they are non- negotiable.You found time for her because she was your priority. But the reverse may not always be true. Therefore, always check if you are her priority. In case, she does things from her own mind, then you are not her priority. And if you are not her priority, then why has she been your priority?

Because you never realized...!! But better late than never. There is no dearth of good girls in the world. In the end, you will find one. So get up and tell her that if she has her own priorities (which unfortunately are more important than you), then you also have several other things to do in life. Do well in your career, achiever new heights, go biking, break records, chat with friends and forgot her. Most certainly, a girl who doesn't realize or know that you are more important for her than her priorities, is not for you. 

Stay away from such girls and live your life. You may not win ONE girl but you may win MANY OTHER people who value you and for whom you are a priority.. :) :)

Going mad....

I am slowly going mad. I can feel it. I sleep 5 hours, day after day, after day. I eat more, day after day after day. And its really impossible for someone to move me away from my laptop and its various apps.

Then in the morning, this supposedly tired soul goes to office. The soul does not put up a great show there, though not bad. The heart is out so much that it wants to go biking at 12 midnight. Seems a virus has corrupted my system :P God knows who....

Main pagal hu kya?? Don't know. Sala kal office jana hai, aur yahan main blog likh raha hu.. Koi C hi aisa karega. Mind is saying, saale kyu apni marwa raha hai....? Aur heart is saying c'mmon yaar do what you like..! Ye sala heart and mind ka game strange hai.. Really screws up life :P

Have big dreams but no road map and certainly no homework. Don't know if life is driving me or i am driving life. But thoda off track jaane me kya problem hai? Wapas to track par hi aana hai train ko.. ! The good train always comes back on track. Hum aise hi rahenge.. So Good bye google.. For now, I am listening to my heart and going off track to vroom on quite roads...!! Road map kal se dekhenge. Abhi road dekh lete hain :P

P.S: Google defines madness as extremely foolish behaviour :D

Poetry

The delightfulness of poetry is in its deep wording and deeper meaning. It has always been a pleasure to decode the words and be enlightened with the knowledge and observations, which great poets embraced years ago. Specifically Ghalib and Firaaq has written some amazing poetry.

Bohot dino me  mohabbat ko ye hua maloom, 
Jo teri yaad me guzri, wo raat, raat hui...

This was a great piece, i liked very much.


Meanwhile, managed to get hold of the song 'Tum hi ho' of Ashiqui 2 which has some great poetry. The voice of Mithoon adjusts very well with the Video. Looking forward to this movie.

Feel like cutting off from the wired world. But blog is the only thing holding out. I am able to talk myself on it. I feel like i have a great friend. Something big in life is coming up soon. I hope i am able to do justice with it and embrace it.

Sayonara... 

Rock n Roll

Breached 95 km per hour speed on the Fazer today for more than 5 minutes. A fantastic ride and a never ending road.... 100 km per hour is up now. Meanwhile Kawasaki Ninja 250R has stung me with its sexy looks, style and solid performance. Whenever i can afford it, that's definitely gonna be my next bike.

A song has terribly caught attention. There's a different feeling when you can relate to the music but don't understand the lyrics and the language. :) Even Malayalam can deliver rock songs.. !

Good night Google.

And its the right hand this time.....

My stars are not doing great and i have bore enough brunt of the stars already. As if what was given till now was less, last week i end up screwing the right hand too... Haha.. 

A bike speeding at over 90 kmph hits a out-of-blue-moon-buffalo...Bangggg... A head on collision on a National highway. The driver falls and the second rider also falls. Luckily as the second rider, i was wearing the same helmet which has saved my life thusfar. The head did hit the road but was saved. This time the right hand got screwed but i ain't complaining. Ya my friend was a bit too fast in that but  after the hit i rode the broken bike successfully with a bleeding hand and a pain infested friend sitting at the back...Man! That requires skill, courage and character. To me, THIS is adventure, the ultimate one... Overcoming my fears... and really i don't fear the roads anymore. The more life will strain me, the more i will raise my speed... That adrenaline rush, that roaring blood, that raw engine power..... Only a biker can feel that.... 

On a serious note, when things get this much murkier in life and darkness looms large, that means a silver lining is just in the offing... As they say, the night is darkest just before the dawn and only those who have the courage can see the light of the day.... 

My dawn is round the corner and my hands are firmly back on the accelerator..... Vroom...Vroom..... Come on....!! 

Lesson 1 - Never go out of your way

One of the most amazing things about boys is how they feel about girls. I have, in my life, learned a few lessons which i will summarize on my blog in phases. They may be hard hitting, practical and obnoxious but then i have the right to express myself through what i have seen & the blog also is aptly titled as "My life, My views". 

So here is Lesson No. 1 - Never go out of your way, if it is not worth it

Conventionally, majority of boys have some feelings for girls, even if the girls are complete strangers to them. We try to be nice to the fairer sex in our own unique ways. However, remember that a majority of your good deeds will go unnoticed or will lose their value after a point of time.You may be doing good today because you are inherently good but always ask to yourself, "is it worth it??" 

You may go out of your way to help your girlfriend at times. Majority of boys do that. Not because they have been instructed to do so by the Divine soul but they do so out of their own wishes. The motive may be to put an impression on her, to brighten that sweet smile, so get a pat on their back, to get to hear some sweet words out of her mouth, to get respect even! But all that is short lived. Well, life is very practical these days. Things like honestly, discipline, love, fairness, tenderness, feelings are of little importance. They have been clobbered hard and obliterated by handsomeness, dudeness, adventure, coolness etc. 

So you may be nice to your girlfriend, you may go out of your way to make her smile, you may dance with her in the rain, you will rectify her computer/laptop countless times while sacrificing your time and may be studies, you may get her umpteen number of coffees, you may help format her documents in MS-Word, you may accompany her to malls or movies, you may also help her buy electronic gadgets including laptops, you may help her figure that goddamn train reservation, you may celebrate her birthday in style, you may invite all your friends on your pocket money to make her feel special, you may motivate her when she would be feeling low, you may sit patiently listening to her about how her day went by, you may overpraise her in front of your friends and you may even help her with her resume which may get her an interview call all over the world but would still fail to raise your profile in front of her BUT...

ASK yourself before doing all these things, is it really worth it? Does she really love you? Will doing this cement the feelings mutually or would it still be one-sided? ASK would you be nice to a girl, at the COST of your precious time,energy & may be money, just for her momentous appreciation when she herself may hesitate? Will you bunk your classes if she can't bunk hers? If she is your wife, or if she reciprocates your feelings with equal force, then you SHOULD go to any extent for her including everything mentioned above. But, if she is hesitant, has no reciprocation or feelings towards you, or always asks for favours and never gives them, then NEVER ever go out of your way to help any girl, if she is not worth it...

Remember world is big and its always the slow and steady who wins the race. You will eventually/in due course of time, find a true soul mate. Therefore never go out of your way to help those who don't deserve it. Otherwise its quite possible that even after doing all those countless good things, one day you may find yourself alone on a hospital bed and left with no body on your side but pain, waiting endlessly for the same precious smile, words and warmth that you once helped to achieve, to heel your wounds... If you still feel like lending a helping hand, do that but don't expect anything in return, not even a phone call..

And..... Veeru left Jai........

This Valentine.....Love will be murdered...says the tagline of a new Bollywood movie. I have lots of thoughts scampering in my mind as to how to start this post. I will start with the incident that happened Today morning. 

Scene 1

Vipin (my friend and office mate) to me: Abe, aaj to valentine day hai... Kya plan hai? Teri to aish....

I just smiled but could not say anything.

Vipin: Kya hua, ladaai hui?

He looked at me, scanned through my eyes, his eyes piercing my heart and understood that i don't want to say anything. Thereafter, we both turned our heads in opposite directions and started looking out of the car windows.

Scene 2
My office senior: Hey, i was expecting that you will not come to the office.
I smiled.
Me: Mam, even i was expecting the same for you! (She was of course excited, as it was her first valentine day after marriage last year. But still she chose to come to office for some professional obligations.)
My office senior: Anyways, Happy Valentine's day to "both" of you ! To aaj IISc jaaega na?
I smiled again. And i could not say a word further. 
Me: No mam, will go home. She understood something is wrong and then didn't attempt to get into my personal zone.

Such are the life incidences that they remain with you forever. Exactly 45 months ago, on May 13, 2009, i was greeted by an sms at 8 PM in the night (I still have it). They met in a fantastic way. Little did i know that Veeru will become a great friend and much more in no time. And today, Veeru has left Jai. 

Good to see that Veeru matured a lot (may be more than Jai) in these "almost" 4 years. Jai remember Veeru as a young, never-lived-in-hostel, girl who was unable to contain her tears when her father left campus, one who would roam with Jai in the campus and accompany him to his Poll-Khol trips, who will make fun of Profs and live life to the fullest. God, those were THE days! She made Jai work hard, inspired Jai to a large extent, let Jai explore his potential, disciplined Jai a little and of course, amazed Jai with her multiple talents.  In those days, problems were less. Even if they mounted, both could solve them mutually. Roaming was fun and daily hangout together was a must, accompanied by an occasional round of onion maggie or idli sambhar or Veeru's favourite hot coffee.

But they had their share of bad luck. Lost in the intricacies of making their career, both Veeru and Jai drifted apart. Okay, but, to err is human! Veeru became much mature after she graduated. Now she is able to take decisions. Jai does not figure in her latest decision. What went wrong, nobody knows. And may be Veeru does not want to explain. Jai hopes that Veeru would not have based her decision solely on the events that occurred in the past 12 months. That would form a bad sample size as they spent nearly 43 months with each other :P

But what i still feel about them is that they were great together. May be, something somewhere didn't click. But then we all make adjustments in life. Nothing is perfect. Both were truthful and honest to each other, a rarity in modern times. Nevertheless, Veeru left Jai. And now Jai has nothing to do except his job. Veeru is again busy with her life and Jai has always maintained that whatever Veeru does, she would do well.

This Valentine, Jai pays tribute to a great relation which could have gone places, but because of compatibility reasons, could not gather wings to fly. Still, if some thing is over, it does not lessen its value. Indeed the times which both of them spent together were great. Both respected each other. Both still respect each other. Jai is disappointed but still hails Veeru that she could share whatever she thought about their relation. Definitely both will change as life moves on, but they could have done that together. Nevertheless, Thank you Veeru, you could not understand Jai's love but yes without you, Jai would not have lived his share of happiness in life.

Khamoshi...

"Shaam bhi thi dhuan dhuan,

Wo bhi thi udaas udaas,

Dil ko kai kahaaniyan,

Bas yaad si aake reh gayi..."

Nice lines... Human beings are one crazy species. Sometimes we get so above our self that we forget to see that the world is not like as we see it. There are practicalities... There are some obligations.. There are some responsibilities... Some good things to be done and some good things to receive... And of course, we always have the easiest option.. Turn our back onto them and live the life of Alice in wonderland..! But that all is fiction.. Life is real...

Ok that i am on the receiving end this time. Whatever is happening right now is terrible. It can't get worse than this.. And this also teaches who is on my side. I don't know my future but certainly i can make it a bright one... Don't know what people get by making somebody sad and avoiding them as if they rule us and we are at their mercy... But those who have grit always see the positive side. Life me kuch to aur accha hoga... Life is like a flowing river.. It never stops...I pray that i remain always available to those who really need me.

Good night Google.. You are way better than some friends.. At least you never ditch...At least you share my pain.. At least you are not fake... At least you always have time for me...

Unanswered....

All of us have a lot of things that we never say thinking that once life gets okay, we will pour our heart. But life seldom allows that. There are volcanoes in my heart wanting to erupt and how long can i tame them? After all, i too am human.. So here it is....

There was a boy. Fed up of his profs, he wanted to do a Ph.D solely because he knew that he would make a far better prof than the ones available in India. Definitely he also wanted to contribute to research in his field of interest. The boy was average in terms of grades, but he believed that grades can never measure a person's true potential. Research & Analysis was his stronghold. All his well wishers and friends knew that this was his calling and that he will pursue it one day. It was just of question of 'when' and never a question of why..?

We all have our own sweet relationships. We try to do and make the special ones feel as happy as possible. Of course our ways of doing that are different but the objective is same. So one day, the boy was told the importance of money by his special friend. The boy was surprised for a while, but after deliberating for some time concluded that the advice was good for both of them. He could always come back for Ph.D. after some years. Right now the important thing would be to collect some money as that would also make his special friend happy.

Time progressed. The boy and his special friend graduated. Both moved into same city and the boy started of his arduous journey of being a corporate slave. He had no complaints because he was doing what his special friend wanted. As we know that moving up the ladder is important early in life because as we age, our chances of being competitive and our enthusiasm both go down. The boy knowing this well tried to work as hard as possible. He worked day and night trying to make a mark and to climb up the ladder as soon as possible. He kept aside his dream of going into research and set a personal target to reach the Rupee Millionaire mark in 3 years. Once you reach that figure, life becomes much more comfortable and you can enjoy life in your own ways. You can splurge without thinking and all the basic things of life can be taken for granted. 

He also encountered some surprise changes in life. He was working for 10 hours a day spending 3 hours in travel. But he tried to tide over the change and move on. However nothing comes free. As he worked that hard, he could take out less time for his special friend. He tried to keep his Sundays for his friend rather than taking rest. The traveling on Sundays itself was hectic but then we never complain for our special ones. So the boy ran and he ran like a brave horse trying to manage his work and his personal life. Finally he made his mark and got recognized. He got promoted in first year itself. Naturally now he came closer to his target of  being a Rupee Millionaire. He became a senior, people in his corporation started calling him "Sir", a thing which we all desire that it would happen someday in our life. And boy we really feel special about it. Now he could take rest as he had proved his mark. But something shocking happened...

Suddenly he saw that his special friend, who advised him that money is important in life, cursing him for being busy. Yeah he was. But then no body earns money by sitting idle ! Suddenly he became boring. Yeah he became, because by Sunday his body had already worked for 78 hours with a 6 hour sleep every day. His life was changing and he was trying his best to balance both his target and his special friend. He was still focused on the larger cause of bike, house and thereafter a happy and lovely family.

And then one day his special friend left the city..... The boy was speechless and today he has a few questions of which he does not have the answer...

1. Was it worth it? Was it only the onus of the boy to make things go great?

2. Did the boy gained anything by setting aside his research dreams and chasing money, a thing his special friend considered important that time?

3. Did the boy get 'unconditional' support of his special friend ever?

4. Barring two instances, the special friend never found time to travel to boy's place/home in full 15 months but expected the boy to see her every week. The special friend never called up at the boy's office number. Did his special friend tried to help the boy for the greater cause?

5. What did both gained at the end?

6. Patience is the key to success. Was 15 months of hard times enough to tear them apart and test their grit?

Some lines on friendship

Success has many fathers but failure has none. I believe friends can be classified between these two categories. A good friend (or a best friend) may not be there with you in your happy times, but he will ALWAYS be there during your bad times because he knows at that time you need him the most. That also reflects that a good friend is always devoid of selfishness. He may not want his share of cake or party, but he will never allow you to lose your precious tears. He will always be there to hug you to make you feel happy and regain your confidence. I have always tried to become a friend like this and i will continue to do that.... 

All those who laugh, celebrate with us during our good times are fake. We need to ask ourselves were they ever present when we needed them most? So..... Did the boy ever left his special friend in lurch whenever she needed support or was unhappy? And was the special friend always present for the boy?